


Vampire Mama Blues

by Chronos_X



Series: Headcanons (2016-) [12]
Category: Akumajo Dracula / Castlevania, Castlevania (Cartoon), 悪魔城ドラキュラ | Castlevania Series
Genre: Alucard was one creepy child, Dracula is a clueless dad, Funny, Hilarious, Human Mother, Igarashi Koji (五十嵐 孝司), Interspecies Relationship(s), Lisa Farenheits-Tepes had a hard time as mother and wife, M/M, Misunderstandings, Still a better love story than Twilight, Ten years from now we're gonna look back on this and laugh, The lighter side of Castlevania / Akumajo Dracula, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23486065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X
Summary: Also available at https://www.deviantart.com/chronos-x/art/Vampire-Mama-Blues-770348971.Dragon Ball Super: Twilight of Gods I - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1466320
Relationships: Alucard & Dracula (Castlevania), Alucard | Adrian Tepes | Arikado Genya & Lisa (Castlevania), Alucard/Dracula (Castlevania), Death & Lisa (Castlevania), Death/Merchant (Castlevania), Dracula/Lisa (Castlevania)
Series: Headcanons (2016-) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635487
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Vampire Mama Blues

Vampire Mama Blues, by Chronos-X

Oct 29, 2018, 11:19:31 AM  
Literature / Fan Fiction / Humor

Lisa ( _sees Alucard has come back to the castle early in the morning_ ): Adrian Lysander Farenheits Tepes! Where the devil have you been? Why are you returning home at such an ungodly hour? ( _Sees Al is all bloody and stuff_ ). Did you... have you been feeding on the neighbor's daughter AGAIN!?

Alucard ( _all panicky_ ): No Mother, I haven't! ( _Crosses fingers behind back_ ).

Lisa ( _outraged_ ): How dare you lie to me, young man!? Just for that, you're grounded: no travelling back and forth to Constantinople in search of priceless artifacts for the next two-hundred years!

Alucard ( _matter-of-factly_ ): Actually, it's called "Istanbul" now.

Lisa ( _stern, crosses her arms_ ): What have I told you about being a smart-aleck, young dhampir? Do you want to go back to the corner till the equinox of 1691?

Alucard ( _swallows hard_ ): No, Ma'am.

( _Dracula warps into the room in a puff of smoke. He's wearing hot-pink curlers and has some gunk all over his face that looks like avocado paste_ ).

Dracula ( _yawns, all groggy and grumpy_ ): What's all the ruckus about?

Lisa ( _exasperated_ ): Your son, that's what it's all about! He's been preying on innocent maidens again! ( _Sees blood all over Dracula's mouth and clothes_ ). Good heavens, tell me it's not true...

Dracula ( _confused_ ): What exactly is not true, dear?

Lisa ( _face-palms_ ): For the love of Lupu, you'd better not have fed on that caravan of gypsies, or so help me...

Dracula ( _starts sweating blood_ ): W-Will you relax, woman? I... I had a little accident.

Alucard ( _coldly deadpan_ ): No need to be embarrassed, Father. That happens to all men your age at one point or another.

Dracula ( _blushing, severe tone_ ): I had an accident with a can of tomato soup, boy! Have you been reading your mother's "special" books behind our backs again?

Alucard ( _still coldly deadpan_ ): No Father, I have not. Which begs the question: since when does tomato soup smell like premenstrual fluid?

Dracula/Lisa ( _red with shame_ ): ADRIAN!

Alucard ( _creepily monotone_ ): Why are you so upset, dearest Mother and Father? I recall both of you addressed the subject last month, when we had "the talk" while Uncle Death used Father's prototype shrink ray to adjust Mother's favorite blouse in order to clothe a stuffed animal he made for his third monthaversary with Uncle Jerry at the Build-a-Bear Workshop. ( _Dracula face-palms hard_ ). Is something wrong, Father? Have I misspoken?

Lisa ( _blushing heavily, burning in wrath_ ): THAT DOES IT! ( _To Alucard_ ). GO TO YOUR ROOM! DON'T YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND THIS CASTLE FOR THE NEXT THREE CENTURIES! ( _Alucard whimpers, vanishes in a puff of smoke. Lisa turns to Dracula and glowers at him_ ). As for _you_...

Dracula: Take it easy, sweetheart! I...

Lisa ( _altered_ ): Don't you "sweetheart" me, Dracula Matthias Vladimir Tepes Cronqvist III! Can't you see what you're doing to our son!?

Dracula ( _deliciously clueless_ ): All he did was take a few sips of blood from one of our next door neighbors. Makes me question how we even have neighbors in the first place, but still...

Lisa ( _still altered_ ): Don't change the subject! How many times have I told you two: do NOT freaking feed on human blood, especially maidens' blood! You have any idea how bad you two are making me look!? I can barely show my face around town anymore!

Dracula ( _mansplainingly_ ): Calm down, Lisa. Getting upset helps no one.

Lisa ( _aggravated_ ): Are you serious!? You can't feed on my f@#$g species and tell me not to get upset!

Dracula ( _nonchalant_ ): I see what the problem is. You haven't had a good one for months now.

Lisa ( _livid_ ): How can you think of sex at a time like this!?

Dracula ( _produces what looks like a Snickers bar, gives it to Lisa_ ): I meant one of these.

Lisa ( _tears it open_ ): You two're still in trouble, y'know. ( _Bites into it_ ). At least this one doesn't have that strawberry filling I hate.

Dracula: I know what it reminds you of, so I got your favorite flavor: Fell-Beast Surprise.

Lisa ( _talks with her mouth full_ ): Why do they call it that, anyway?

Dracula ( _shrugs_ ): Dunno. Might have something to do with that hell-spawn foot skin nougat that... ( _Lisa spit-takes all over Dracula's clothes_ ). Confound it, woman! That's the fourth cloak you've ruined this month!

Lisa ( _furious_ ): GET OUT!!!!! ( _Her scream echoes all over Castlevania as Dracula disappears. Death and a random Merchant walk into the room_ ).

Death ( _annoyed_ ): Could you keep it down, Mistress? Me and Jerry are trying to watch _Caligula II: The Literal Rise of Claudius_. ( _Lisa goes berserk, starts tearing into walls and everything else down the halls_ ). I love this woman, the Master said. She gets me, he said. We're soulmates, he said. Well, they're soulmates, and I can't float down the halls with nothing but my speedos on anymore. Seems like a fair trade.

Merchant ( _stoned out of his mind_ ): What's eating _her_?

Death: Hell if _I_ know. Woman's always making a scene over every little thing that goes wrong in this damn castle. And I thought Lord Dracula had a short fuse.

Merchant: I'm still mad over that sofa she lit on fire the other day.

Death: The one that was made from the pelts of those bandits that tried to mug us during the Black-Me?

Merchant ( _sore_ ): It took me _ages_ to find a halfway decent artisan: turns out that whole don't-ask-don't-tell policy doesn't apply to the local IKEA. Had to deplete my secret stash of candle-money to get it done in time for their anniversary, and look how she thanks me.

Death: Some people just have no taste for fine art, man. Shall we continue?

Merchant: I'll hit the john and grab some popcorn. Thankfully she hasn't found my collection of ganja-Une; we're lucky she hasn't called the DEA on us.

Death: Last I checked, they have no jurisdiction in Wallachia. 

Merchant ( _heads elsewhere_ ): That, and they haven't been invented yet. 

Death: Whatever. ( _Lovey-dovey_ ). Hurry back soon, sugar-beard.

Merchant ( _ditto_ ): Be right back, honey-bones. ( _They leave_ ).


End file.
